Strange things in Ajax

Domo - Turd with teeth preps to take over (Domo-nate) the world.

2010-06-27T12:40:00.000-04:00

What is this strange chocolate? What is this mysterious creature that the Japanese claim was hatched from an egg? Domo ( Dōmo-kun?) is the official mascot of Japan's NHK television station.

Fans say (assuming it is a he) "his monster like features conceal a gentle soul with a body of pure fluff." I say apon closer inspection, this turd like creature features teeth sharp enough to render the manliest of men in child birthing pain, and a gaze that would make Chuck Norris nervous.

Much like 30% of Americas population, Domo's like Japanese-style meat and potato stew, have a strong dislike for apples, can only communicate by producing a low-pitched noise and are known to pass gas repeatedly when nervous or upset.

The Domo has taken much of the world by surprise and is the next biggest thing to come out of the east since Hello Shitty....err Kitty. Young teens have taken wildly to the Domo-revolution and it seems like this is just the beginning considering US networks have recently committed to 26 short episodes on various channels.

Originally I had decided to head out in downtown Toronto and look for any Domo fans to get some feedback. A coworker reminded me, however, with the current state of the G20 summit and crazed protestors...that maybe an arsenal of religion-free holy water may not be enough to protect me.. so I decided against it.

This will have to be revisited at a later date. I will however leave you with some Googled forum posts from fan boards. Skeptical? Google the Domo and read for yourself?

"Domo-Kun (Domo Sapiens) is a Grue and is the ruler of his home country, Japan, ..... He kills kittens every time you masturbate,.....that Domo-Kun is another evil plan of disney's.... Domo will destroy China." http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Domo-kun

"DOMO KUN ROCKS. I agree, some day he will take over the world. ALL BOW TO DOMO KUN!!!!!!!!" http://www.adiumxtras.com/index.php?a=xtras&xtra_id=93

"It's not THE Domo...it's just DOMO! There is no 'THE' you stupid inbred fock! Have some god damn respect when even thinking about Domo. Pieces of shit like you are what ruin our god damn world. Domo is god, so refer to him as so. I don't call you 'THE' Steven.. I just call you the stupid god damn inbred fock Steven.." http://www.epinions.com/review/JAKKS_Pacific_Domo_Kun_Domo_kun_16_5_Plush/content_456436911748

"You just don't understand.....If I had one wish before I died it would be to make love to Domo.....he is the essence of jesus.'
http://forum.nin.com/bb/read.php?36,190632,page=4

Hail Domo!

Self-described Jedi alleges discrimination

2010-03-23T17:38:00.001-04:00

Chris Jarvis of Southend, England, says wearing his hood up is his religious right. The subscriber to the Jedi Faith - from the Star Wars fictional universe - was asked to remove his hood in a Southend Jobcentre recently, reports the U.K.'s Daily Mail. But instead of using the Force to convince staff they didn't really want him to comply with the dress code, Jarvis alleged he was being discriminated against. "I am a Star Wars follower. It means following the way of the Jedi," Jarvis told the Daily Mail. "The main reason is I want to wear my hood up and I have got a religion which allows me to do that. Someone with their own religious views is allowed to wear what their religion says - the Sikhs are able to carry a great big dagger. My religion allows me to wear my hood." The father of three wrote Jobcentre Plus to complain of the incident. They sent him back an apology letter...

"We as an organization have a duty of care to both customers and staff, therefore for security reasons we ask customers to remove their hoods. I have spoken to member staff and it was not their intention to offend your beliefs," the letter says. Despite the apology, Jarvis intends to sue, the Daily Mail reports.

In a 2001 census, about 30,000 people in the U.K. listed Jedi as their religion, making it the fourth most popular belief system in the country. In the 2001 Canadian census, 20,000 people identified as followers of the Jedi faith. Other English-speaking countries saw similar numbers. A widespread Internet campaign helped spark the Jedi census phenomenon.

Up yours ROGERS for ruining my HTC device with your bullshit update!

2010-03-03T00:24:00.000-05:00

Rogers Wireless went and did it. They forced all HTC Dream/Magic users to go through a mandatory update for the E911 bug. Note: Users had reported this issue to Rogers in September 2009, but despite the severity of the issue a fix did not come around until January of 2010.

If you have been keeping up, or if you own either of those two devices (I own the HTC Magic) you will know what I am talking about. Once a fix was finally available it was forced onto the users by cutting off their 3G internet connection (WTF? Rogers Wireless, you bitch! What about breach of contract? What the hell does GPS or 911 calls have to do with 3G internet? And if the 3G connection is a part of the bug, why was it not disabled immediately after finding the bug?).

Consider the following.

Android is an Open Source OS. This issue was resolved by developers in version 1.6. As of writing this, Android's latest release is v 2.0. Rogers, on the other hand, still runs version 1.5 on their devices.

You'd think the most reasonable way to proceed would be for Rogers to issue an OTA upgrade to all it's users and update them to 1.6, not only to fix the bug, but to reap the benefits of the updated build.

Again, considering Android is open source many, if not most, users had already upgraded to 'customized' versions of the OS running builds 1.6+.

Rogers decided to force everyone, regardless if you had an updated version of Android running on your device or not, to update. If you chose not to update, Rogers cut off your Data until you did so citing they "had the power to do so".

Rogers, thank you for ruining everyone's HTC device with a late upgrade. Considering again the GPS issue was resolved as of v1.6 roughly 6 months earlier, you forced (or else lose your 3G data) everyone running newer builds to reflash back to a build with a perfected SPL taking ROOT away from all of us (basically locking the phone and taking away all its open sourcedness glory). What the hell is the point of an open source OS on our phones if we can't do anything with them!?! I hate you, but not as bad as I hate Bell.

Anyways, if you hate this move as much as I do, join the Facebook Group Up yours Rogers for ruining my HTC device with your bullshit update!

I can't even cancel my plan in retaliation without Rogers
bending me over.

Good News: The busted doomsday machine that can destroy the world is finally working again.

2010-02-05T00:09:00.001-05:00

Check this out, from the Museum of supernatural history..

An interesting theory has been revealed which may point to the reasons so much is going wrong with the Large Hadron Collider, and it revolves around time travel. As if we haven’t been losing enough sleep worrying about civilization’s apparent imminent demise as a result of the end of the Mayan Long Count Calendar on December 21st, 2012 - the looming potential for the world to be destroyed by a man-made black hole accidentally created by CERN’s Large Hadron Collider has been inspiring its own amount of tossing-and-turning.
Well, The Large Hadron Collider (LHC) in Geneva has been back online for a while now. The LHC of course gained its infamy in September of 2008 when critics of the $6 billion particle accelerator theorized that the device could possibly create a mini-black hole that could expand into Earth-eating proportions. Naturally, the level-headed scientists of the European Organization for Nuclear Research (CERN) which operated the LCH published a safety report ruling out the possibility of such a cataclysmic event occurring. Of course, the doomsday device then proceeded to overheat and break down just a few days later. This time, however, the experts have re-reassured the planet’s population that everything will be OK. If you are interested in this sort of stuff, you can read more here

Dell Tech Peeps Through Woman's PC via Webcam

2010-01-27T13:18:00.000-05:00

Last week, a Texas NBC affiliate reported that a Dell technician remotely turned on a woman's webcam via the Internet without her permission. The woman, Dianna Annunziato of North Richland Hills, originally called Dell Computer's customer support line after 9:30 pm because her new PC was having issues and was still under warranty. However, the online service call came to an abrupt halt.

"First, the technician started asking me what time of day it was," she told the Dallas-Forth Worth NBC affiliate. She then said that the technician activated the webcam a moment later—she could see herself peering back from a little box on the LCD monitor. She added that the technician did not ask for permission before activating the device.

Infuriated, Annunziato asked for a supervisor. Rather than receiving a sympathetic apology, she instead received laughter after explaining that she could have been sitting in her seat undressed when the device was activated. Shocked by the reaction, she decided to take matters to a higher level.

"We apologize for the issue and appreciate the customer bringing this matter to our attention," the company said in a statement. "An investigation is currently under way, and the company will administer appropriate action when complete."

As of currently, the NBC report is a bit sketchy on details. Did Annuziato accidentally hit a webcam/media button on her laptop? How was Dell able to access her computer through when she called by phone? Did her Dell come with remote access software designed for Dell technicians already in place? Why didn't Annunziato ask the tech what was going on? She didn't seem to mention if she even asked "did you just turn on my webcam?"

While Dell does offer remote access tech support, this could be a case of someone with an aim to extort some form of payment out of Dell.

And here is a random, totally not related pic...

TTC collector falls asleep on the job - biggest news since Haiti

2010-01-22T08:49:00.001-05:00

I find it hard to believe that something like this is even considered news worthy in Toronto. Seriously, when there are literally hundreds of more pressing issues currently at hand a story like this gets front page?!? From what I heard on the news this morning... the TTC collector was working either a late night shift or an overnight shift and fell asleep. Next, TTC authorities want to start an inquiry. Sounds great. Let's waste some more of our money and jack up (not even hiked, you jacked) our fares again to pay for this inquiry. Seriously, what is there to inquire? The guy fell asleep.
I then read the guy who took the picture, Wieler says, "I didn't post to get anyone in trouble, but to highlight TTC problems." Yea, I am so sure we all believe you. Did anyone actually check to see if the guy was even alive?

Anyways, speaking from experience, night shifts blow the big one. At times, sleep becomes so overpowering that it is almost impossible to keep yourself awake unless you get up and go for a walk (which obviously this old guy can't do) or engage in some sort of physical activity. Let's examine his work environment. The guy... sits alone... in a plexi-glass-enclosed room... for a 12 hour night shift. It doesn't take a chemist to work out this equation.

Everyone who is making this into a huge deal including the TORONTO STAR/SUN, you seriously need to grow the f*** up. I know when I pay for my paper…I pay for real news, not a joke like this.

As for the TTC... first you complain you don't have the funds to properly 'operate' your operation, so then you jack up our rates... yet again. Then you take away our free metro pass parking (by the way, how dare you take away my free metro pass parking?!), followed by a further thorough jacking of our rates. Finally, this picture 'jacks' the interweb/twitter/facebook like a virus on crack…and you seriously expect us to continue and support you guys?

What is wrong with this city?
/rant.

The word of the day is 'jack', as in "You jacked my metropass parking!"

I hate you BELL CANADA....with a deep burning fiery passion!

2010-01-07T15:36:00.000-05:00

Today I realized how much I absolutely despise Bell Canada as a corporation. If you are a Bell employee and are reading this...I don't hate you per say...but I loath you as an organization. What I don't understand is how a simple call to replace a faulty remote control (which shouldn't take more than 15 minutes... TOPS) can take over 45 minutes of my time. What I don't understand is why in Odin's name do you really feel the need to try and troubleshoot a frickin' remote control!!

I called in and was hoping for a painless telephone transaction. I was hoping to simply tell you that my remote control is no longer working, and yes I did replace the batteries. In return I expected you to ship me out a new remote...and I ship you my old one. Simple, right? Absolutely WRONG!! What I get in return is transferred over from level 1 tech support...to 2nd level tech support. Seriously?? Level 2 Tech support...for a remote control?! WTF....are you kidding me Bell?? Is that what you are doing with the $140 that you milk out of me every month? When I call tech support, it is only when absolutely necessary as I loathe dealing with (what in my opinion I consider the worst tech support available from any company today) your support personnel. I don't need someone across the globe asking me how the weather is. I want you to fix my problem as quickly and as painlessly as possible considering I am paying out the ass for your lack luster services.

So you want to trouble shoot my remote. Fine!! What would you like me to do?

Bell: "Sir, can you try and replace the batteries"
Me: "I have already done that"
Bell: "Ok Sir, thank you for that. Just give me one moment. "
Me: "Can you guys send me a new one? It was working fine this morning and just stopped"
Bell: "Yes sir, I understand that sir but I need to follow the procedure I have to help you resolve the issue promptly. "
Me: "I point and click...it doesn't work."
Bell: "Yes sir, thank you sir. Let us try and reprogram the remote. Can you please press and hold the TV button until all the lights flash red on the remote?"
Me: "Uh... there are no red lights. It just doesn't work."
Bell: "Ok sir, thank you very much for your time sir. Could you try and replace the batteries sir?"
Me: "I already did replace them before I called you. "
Bell: "Ok thank you sir. Just hold with me one moment sir. Ok Sir thank you for your patience. Can we try and reset the remote, can you please hold the pound and off button at the same time until the red lights flash?"
Me: "I already mentioned… there are no lights... the remote is just dead"
Bell: "Thank you for that sir. Unfortunately before I can send you a replacement remote I have to transfer you to my higher level sir and I am sure they can help you. Is there anything else I can help you with before I transfer you?"
Me: "You have to transfer me to someone else? You can't just issue a new remote to my address?"
Bell: "Thank you for that Sir. I will transfer you and they will assist you. Thank you for choosing Bell."
Me: "Uh what?"

After 10 more minutes of annoying hold music

Bell: "Hello Sir, thank you for choosing Bell. Can I have your telephone number starting with your area code"
Me: "But I gave all that info to the tech I was speaking with earlier. Why do you need it again?"
Bell: " Thank you for that sir, but I need it to verify you are on the account sir."
Me: "Can you stop saying that?' (I give the info required)
Bell: "Thank you for that sir, can you try and replace the battery sir.."

WHAT!!?

Round and round we go and still no new remote. In the end I get a refurbished one that I can't even program to my TV. Now I am stuck with a remote for the satellite receiver and a separate remote for the TV. While I am ranting about how terrible Bell is, I should mention another fact. How is it that I am on a 2 year term with you yet my monthly bill is different EVERY MONTH!? Explain that to me Bell. I'm tired of calling in every month to plead & argue with your billing department and have them remove the fees and adjust the prices to what I originally signed up for. And what's worse, when I called to cancel all my services you threw an insanely huge early termination fee! Bell, you may have me by the balls now but we will see who has who when my term is up. For now, I won't go down quietly.

How to: Religion Free Holy Water (RFHW)

2009-10-02T20:55:00.013-04:00

I've been asked where I get the RFHW that I take with me on my investigations. Answer: I actually make it myself. And now you can too with my tutorial. Read on peeps.

"For thousands of years, in virtually every religion, water has been used to wash away the sins of Jews, Christians, Muslims, Buddhists, and even members of the Occult." Now you can cleanse and protect yourself, even while extinguishing your thirst, with RFHW. Follow my instructions below and you can have your very own RFHW.

Preface: RFHW is 100% pure natural tap water, that tastes great (depending on where you live) and does not have to be blessed by a Monk, a Catholic Priest, or a Holy Shaman. The lack of blessing does not take away from the taste. RFHW has many uses but is notably known for banishing (temporarily) lower level specters and demonic forces, its use in exorcisms' and its healing attributes. The process of creating RFHW is quite different from the work involved in creating a batch of church grade Holy Water. The steps involved in creating RFHW are loosely based on old wiccan technique.

Materials needed:
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1 small bowl of tap water
1 clean glass container
1 storage bottle (small)
6 oreo cookies

Preparation: Make sure you thoroughly cleanse and sterilize the bowl, glass container and all other equipment you will be using. You can get by with water but flame and rubbing alcohol is the preferred method to cleanse. Insure that you have total privacy during preparation. You don't want to be disturbed and will require total concentration when preparing your solution.

Time: Midnight during a full moon phase preferred but not absolutely necessary.

Location: Outdoors under the moon, or indoors near a window that will reflect the light of the moon. If no moon is present, at least make sure you have a lamp on, otherwise how are you going to work in the dark??

Procedure: Place all ingredients out in front of you. Take a few deep breaths to relieve the stress of the day. You may now begin.

1) Cast your magick circle. Hold your arms outstretched in the Goddess position (arms out at the sides like you are cradling the Universe, palms up.) and recite the following:

In the cloak of the midnight hour
I call upon the Ancient Power
I seek the presence of Lady & Lord
To bless this water that I will pour.
J'ah Bless.

2) At this point, you should feel the energy of the Earth Mother and Sky Father move about your feet and head. Feel your own energy expand around your belly button and then unite with Divinity. Take your time; no need to rush.

3) Add the tap water to the clean glass bowl. Pick up the bowl of water, hold it toward the light, and recite the following:

"Almighty, everlasting "Insert all powerful and divine name of choice here…I use 'Odin'" , I humbly appeal to your mercy and goodness to bless this creature, water, that you have given for humankind’s use. May all who use it find in it a remedy for body and mind. And may everything that it touches be freed from uncleanness and any influence of evil through your holy name, Amen.”

4) At this point you should be able to feel the energy of J'ah pulsate down into the water. Imagine silver light descending from the heavens and impregnating both the water and yourself. You will feel a "glowy" sensation.

5) Set the water down and pick up an oreo cookie. Feel the power moving in your arms as you raise the cookie toward your mouth. Don't be fooled, this is just anxiety, not a divine power, you are feeling as you look forward to ingesting that tasty cookie.

6) At this point, the seemingly regular tap water you have in the bowl is now 50% RFHW. Take the bowl of water and pour it into the bottle you sterilized earlier. Seal the bottle, set it down and spin it clockwise three times.

7) With the bottle in your left hand and a 2nd oreo cookie in your right, reflect the nearby light on to the bottle. After a few moments recite:

"This liquid is now pure and dedicated to Odin (or name used in previous incantation). It is free from all negativity in any time and any space."

8) Set the bottle down and eat the 2nd cookie you held in your right hand. Eat the remaining cookies as you celebrate as now you have 100% RFHW.

Conclusion: At this point you should have quite a bit of positive energy coursing through your body. Let the vibrations of your body come alive. Open your third eye chakra and imagine a glowing purple light emanating from it. In your mind, see the water change color and glow. Feel the power and energy flow from your head down through your arms and up from your feet and out from your arms simultaneously. Feel the burn. The formula is done!

You may now want to ground your energy in two ways. Either place your hands physically upon the ground and feel the energy drain into Earth Mother, or imagine your energy as a force field around you, and quietly step back out of the skeleton of energy and watch it collapse in upon itself and melt into the ground. Make sure you store away the RFHW until you are ready to use it. Be sure to clean up after yourself by putting all things away in their designated places so that you will be able to find them again next when they're needed.

And if this process is too lengthy for you, you can always buy some here and get your drink on!

Super Apple sauce!

2009-09-29T05:22:00.001-04:00

What do you get when you cram 72 apples in to an apparatus that harnesses the powers of heat and water to literally liquefy the fruit?? Super Apple Sauce!!

Packed with 72 times more magnesium, copper, calcium, iron, potassium and phosphorus. Saturated with 72 times more Vitamin A, Vitamin K, Thiamin, Riboflavin, and Vitamin B6!! And coupled with the chemical properties of the infusion process ...resulting in an effective 72% increase in it's organic properties, which translates into an actual 213% more nutrient value to the human body!! That is some super apples!!

The true origins of Halloween.

2009-09-24T18:19:00.004-04:00

I know it’s still early but I need to get this out there before that night arrives. Halloween time is notorious for strange and weird activity and I need to be prepared to devote my full attention to these matters. There is just a little over a month to go before Satan’s birthday …err… Halloween arrives. Every child looks forward to October 31st each year. It’s the one time of the year when both little boys and girls get a chance to throw on their costumes and have them on all night long. You’ll see little vampires, fairies, cheeky werewolves, etc. etc. all bidding for the greatest haul of chocolates, sweets and candies. Interesting indeed.

However, what many of the unsuspecting citizens don’t know is… Halloween has a much deeper, and in many ways, darker history that has given birth to one of the most celebrated evil holidays in the world. The true history of Halloween is the type of history that your parents don’t tell you.

While it would seem to be a holiday that promoted a form of lunacy, it had a much deeper and serious meaning. Think of it this way. If Christmas is “reported” to be Jesus’ birthday then who do you think was born on Halloween? The original celebrations of Halloween were very special days and seemed to have a very mystical and magical quality about them. In fact, it was this quality that was used by evil druidic priests of the Celts to their best advantage. These were the days in which to contact demons, ghouls and the spirits of the ancestors on the 'other side' of the veil between the worlds.

Looking through some of my ancient texts, it is noted Halloween’s origins go all the way back to ancient times with the Celtic festival of Samhain (pronounced SOW-ain). This was actually the Celts version of anti-Christmas celebrations honouring the end of summer and harvest time and marking the beginning period of the cold of winter, darkness, and death… by means of sacrifice and spirit worship…lots and lots of spirit worship. The Celts were an evil bunch as portrayed by many recent full feature films (Braveheart & Highlander come to mind). They believed that this end of the year period marked the time in which the barrier between the living and the dead became thin. In reality, among other true meanings , October 31st marks the time when the spirits would come back from the dead and create havoc by damaging the crops with frost and causing a multitude of other troubles.

This leads me to another important fact. You might wonder why people dress up on Halloween. This is ~~another~~ a tradition that started in early England where citizens, knowing that Halloween was a time for the spirits of their ancestors to come back to haunt and eat them, would dress up in masks and costumes to keep the spirits from recognizing them. The idea was if you dress up like a monster, the real monsters wouldn’t be able to tell you were really just a… “bag of meat”… if you will.

The fact of the matter is the holiday that we know as Halloween today bares little resemblance to its origins. First, to give an understanding to the reader of these old "pagan" holidays, one must understand the meaning of some of the old language and culture of the times. For one, the term 'pagan' in Christian mythology , roughly translates to "devil worshipper”. It was not until Christianity came to the Isles that the Christian devil ever became associated with Halloween. There was no concept of a devil or Satan in the Earth-based religions, even though there were many evil aspects associated with Samhain, or as it is now called, Halloween. This seems to be the only good thing that has ever come out of religion. With Satan fully identified as the “Santa” of Halloween, Christian leaders sought a means to end this worship while at the same time fearing the retributions from the “other side”.

That is where the Roman church came into play. Like all good churches the Roman church spoiled the fun and soon enacted a holiday to detour the worship of demons, the dead and Satan and so proclaimed November 1st as All Saint’s Day to honour the saints and martyrs of the church. This day was also known as All Hallows Eve. Over time and generations past, Halloween and All Hallows Eve were intertwined and most basic and main concepts of each were forgotten. However, it is still true to this day that there remain others out there that celebrate Halloween for what it truly is.

Cognac and Magic

2009-09-22T13:10:00.000-04:00

I will keep this brief because I am having too much fun playing around with my new HTC Magic...plus I still have a bit of a headache from last night. I managed to get my hands on a bottle of Alize. I am not much of a drinker to begin with but I figured this booze, which is a mixture of Cognac and Passion-sissy fruit, must be pretty good considering Tupac raps about it in a couple of his tracks. I had asked my good pal Liquor-pig for a brief review of Alize and he responded… “Alize is teenage panty remover. In other words, something teenage guys buy for girls so they can get them drunk and take advantage of them. Lemon gin had a similar reputation when I was in high school.” Thanks Liquor-pig.

Back to the hardware. This thing is pretty sweet. The most impressive aspect of this phone is the browser. Almost as easy to browse as being on a desktop which is leaps and bounds better than my older HTC S621. This now makes blogging on the go a reality.

Anyways, pics below of the new hardware and booze...oh and check out the camera quality. I snapped a few pics of Kermit as he was sun bathing in my "herbal" garden out in front of my house. Stay cool peeps!

A little about me

2009-09-15T09:50:00.002-04:00

Over the past week I have received an obnoxious amount of email from my rather large fan base asking to know more about me and how they can achieve the level of greatness that I have achieved in my field. Well it is no easy task. It takes many days of hard work coupled with intense training to attain a skill level even remotely close to my expertise. I have compiled a brief list of some of the most common questions and have answered them for all of your inquisitive minds. Read on.

Q: What do you actually blog about? Karen, Scarborough
Isn’t it obvious, I blog about anything strange that happens in Ajax. Recently though I have found myself blogging about strange things in other municipalities. So I guess it doesn’t have to be region-specific. Rule of thumb, if it is strange, weird, paranormal or related then it shall be blogged.

Q: The haunted forest and the witch house and are examples of you putting your life in danger. Why do it? Anisha, Ajax
To bring you, the readers, the facts! The 2nd best weapon against the dark forces that may exist is knowledge. To know is to be aware. To be aware is to know when to run.

Q: My son went to school today and was asked to write an essay about what he wants to be when he grows up. He wrote he wants to be like “The Operator”. Any tips for an aspiring young mind? Victor, New Zealand
Charles Caleb Colton (1780-1832) once wrote "Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery". The Operator writes, “Imitate me… and I will slap you with a lawsuit so hard and fast your mamma will feel it…even when she is on vacation… in a different continent... .in a different time zone!”

Q: In order to prepare yourself to fight the evil, what is your training regiment? Kuznetsov, Mother Russia
I like to think of myself as a well maintained vehicle. Therefore I undergo regular tune ups and oil changes. But seriously, I am more like a ninja and follow a version of the Chuck Norris training regime. I can’t give away all my secrets but breaking it down, my training regiment includes;

several hours a day clicking my mouse rigorously in order to keep my computer skills swift and deadly.
2 hour strenuous physical workouts per day (3 times per week).
I dedicate 1 hour per night watching video and footage about the next subject of my blog. You need to be prepared.
And before bed every night I reread all the lore on the entire internet about every evil that exists. That’s right, the entire internet!

Manly Bike for Sale

2009-09-14T11:29:00.000-04:00

Sent in by a reader. This was on Craigslist a little while back....

"Manly Bike for Sale
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: 2009-09-01, 05:18PM EST
Bike for sale

What kind of bike? I don't know, I'm not a bike scientist. What I am though is a manly guy looking to sell his bike. This bike is made out of metal and kick a$$ spokes. The back reflector was taken off, but if you think that deters me from riding at night, you're way wrong. I practiced ninja training in Japan's mount Fuji for 5 years and the first rule they teach about ninja biking is that back reflectors let the enemy know where you are. Not having a rear reflector is like saying "FOCK YOU CAR, JUST TRY AND FIND ME".

The bike says Giant on the side because it's referring to my junk, but rest a$$ured even if you have tiny junk that Giant advertisement is going to remain right where it is. I bought this bike for 300 dollars from a retired mercenary that fought in both World War 1 and World War 2 and had his right arm bitten off by a shark in the Phillipines while stationed there as a shark handler. When he sold it to me I had to arm wrestle him for the honor to buy it. I broke his arm in 7 places when I did. He was so impressed with me he offered me to be his son but I thought that was sissy sh1t so I said no way.

The bike has some rusted screws, but that just shows how much of a bad a$$ you are. Everyone knows rusted screws on a bike means that you probably drove it underwater and that's bad a$$ in itself. Those screws can be replaced with shiny new ones, but if you're going to go to that trouble why not just punch yourself in the balls since you're probably a d1ckless lizard who doesn't like to look intimidating.

The bike is for men because the seat is flat or some sh1t and not shaped like a dildo. If you like flat seated bikes you're going to love this thing because it doesn't try to penetrate your a$$ or anything.

I've topped out at 75 miles per hour on this uphill but if you're just a regular man you'll probably top it out at 10 miles per hour. This thing is listed as a street bike which is man-code for bike tank. The bike has 7 speeds in total:

Gear 1 - Sissy Gear
Gear 2 - Less Sissy Gear
Gear 3 - Least Sissy Gear
Gear 4 - Boy Gear
Gear 5 - Pre-teen Boy Gear
Gear 6 - Manly Gear
Gear 7 - Big Muscles Gear

I only like gear 6 and 7 to be honest.

Additionally, this tool of all immense men comes with a gigantic lock to keep it secure. The lock is the size of a bull's testicles and tells people you don't fock around with locking up your bike tank. It tells would-be-thieves "Hey as$$hole, touch this bike and I'll appear from the bushes ready to club you with a two-by-four".

Bike is for $150 OBO (and don't give me no panzy prices) "

Monster in the closet and a haunted house - Fan mail.

2009-09-09T06:36:00.009-04:00

You know the drill... you ask the questions and I answer them.

"Weird things have happened off and on the past 3 years we've lived in our house. How can we tell, for sure, if our place is haunted? It felt like there was a male spirit present at times, not a good one but maybe wanting to scare us? My daughter is constantly scared and we are all having similar nightmares among other things (flickering lights, noises sudden drafts of wind even when all the windows are closed. Angie"

Angie, what we have here is a classic level 1 haunting. This shouldn’t be too difficult to resolve. Firstly, is your ghost a malicious spirit? If not, sit back and enjoy the show. Ghosts are GREAT conversation pieces, especially when they act up in front of guests. The flickering lights, the noises you hear….really… these are all signs the spirit merely wants to play.
If you really want to rid yourself of this pesky paranormal bug then try some religion free holy water (RFHW). Sprinkle RFHW around various areas of the house while chanting “The Spirit of Christ compels you!” It works in exorcisms in all the movies, so there is no reason it should not work in your case.

"My 8 year old son won’t sleep in his own room at night. He thinks there is a monster in his closest. What can I do to help him get over his fear? Mark"

Mark, why would you want your son to get over this fear? Newsflash, closet monsters are real! And your son better be afraid of them. They are nasty suckers and will not hesitate to take a bite out of your boy when he sleeps at night (they like children’s feet). Two things comes to mind right away from your question.

1.) Your son is a sissy! Let’s be realistic. Your son is 8 years old and is afraid of monsters? When I was 8 years old I couldn’t wait to come home from school to get up to my room and get to my closet so I could rip my clothes off and lay some smack down on that son bitch... in the buff…to show him who really was the boss. Hell, the monster under my bed was afraid after it witnessed me savagely beat the snot out of the closet monster. Tell your son to man up and stop being such a wuss. Try different methods to encourage him. His next birthday, purchase him a hunting rifle. If that doesn’t work, then chances are your son is beyond my help and will, sadly, require professional help.

2.) You are a bad father! If your son is telling you there is a monster in his closet then why the hell are you wasting your time writing me about it when you should be preparing your son to do combat with this beast? Be realistic with your son. Don’t further his anxiety by lying to him and telling him these things don’t exist. You owe it to him as a father to prepare him for the real world. The tooth fairy is a fake, Santa Clause is really a pagan God and monsters in the closet really do exist! You might as well give up your son for adoption cuz you’re doing an admirable job.

I'm sick :(

2009-09-09T03:55:00.000-04:00

I have been pretty sick the last week hence the lack of posts. As per my family doctor, what I originally thought was a common cold turned out to be a pretty bad throat infection. I still think he is an idiot. Seriously, since when is Tylenol the magic cure for every ailment? Nonetheless, how I got this throat infection still remains a mystery.

Even with the terrible throat pain, swollen glands, the coughing, fevers and night sweats, one good thing came out of all of this....the medication. You'd be surprised what a good dose of some quality antibiotics coupled with Eucalyptus oil, Vicks, Buckley’s and repeated shots of NeoCitran will do to you.

Anyways, here is a brief synopsis of some strange occurrences and possible posts to come…

*My toaster has been acting up, possible haunting.

*There is a crack head on my street, he is strange.

*And recently, lights in my house started flickering…briefly.

The Internet has spoken!

2009-09-02T02:42:00.001-04:00

Some fan mail from my loyal follower(s)...

"Don't forget the graveyard on Salem Rd. just south of Hwy #7. It was rumoured to be haunted since before I was in high school. Hell, all the kids in Ajax/Whitby/Shwa still believe it is haunted. As such, a lot of teens go there to drink, smoke dope and taunt the evil, and some of the girls wake up missing their clothing. Strange."

Coincidence really as I drove past that graveyard this past Thursday…albeit was a lot less spookier in the day. If I learned one thing from season 2 of Supernatural, it is….when going to a graveyard…go during the day if you want to avoid it's residents. Definitely strange.

"Oh yeah, the Mount Zion schoolhouse further north on Salem north of 9th Concession. Supposedly haunted by little kids, demons, demonic kids or some other form of ghastly horror. Check it out at midnight. Alone. At midnight on Halloween. Don't forget an offering for the Dark Gods, and beware the old guy with the lantern. He lurks."

Schoolhouses are one of the more difficult places to purify due to the vast history one may contain. When you have hundreds of kids attending the school over the years it becomes very hard to pinpoint the source of the alleged haunting. Can you imagine how much religion free holy water would be required to cleanse a schoolhouse? Luckily I got a tip from a reader. Flame purifies EVERYTHING.

"There is a Shwambie infestation in Oshawa. I think you may need to get to the bottom of that. Reports seem to indicate they were first sighted amongst the south shwa crackhouses and Crack Time Donuts on King. However, the plague is everywhere now. It must be a sign of the impending Apocalypse."

This one is difficult to assess online. At first glance, Shwambies may seem like a problem that has to be dealt with in a swift and painful manner, but in reality this really isn't that strange. Given the location, the current state of economic affairs and possibly the impending Apocalypse... I really am not that surprised. Readers beware, holy water, silver bullets and crosses are utterly useless against a level 4 and up Shwambie. This is one I will need to research. In the meantime, try flame.

Shw'ondo for rent...available now.

2009-09-01T22:43:00.002-04:00

The ad reads "If you're looking for a wonderful room to rent with a beautiful view, we have what you have been searching for. You can walk to the athletic club, dining and shopping. You're close to the local mall and park. Some of the extras, a large living room, assigned parking, secured mailboxes, and lots of closet space." And the kicker...."The view out your front window is beautiful anytime of the year"

This gem was sent in by a local resident of the 'Shwa who was lucky enough to pass by the "condo" while the owner was out. Don't think the owner was too far though...his shopping cart was still parked in the "assigned parking" space.

Cricket Invasion?

2009-08-31T23:51:00.000-04:00

Have any of you noticed an increase in crickets this year? These damned things are everywhere. I went to take the garbage out this morning and one jumped at my face. Since when are these suckers so aggressive?? I duno…seems like a sign or something…like in that movie... with the locusts. I can't recall the name, but it is either biblical plague material or some sort of sorcery….preferably the later.

No pictures this time...those things creep me out.

House with overdone garden and other 'plants'…owner must be a witch

2009-08-30T21:10:00.003-04:00

It’s cold and flu season and the wife was feeling a bit under the weather. Today I was going to be a good husband and go to our local Tim Hortons to pick her up some tea. For my American and Latin readers Tim Hortons is our local coffee shop franchise. The Tims is in a new plaza that was just freshly built and is literally a 5 minute walk from my house. Driving around the corner and down the street I noticed something strange…blog worthy strange. One of the houses on the street had an excessive amount of greenery planted. To the average untrained eye this would simply look like a house with an owner who had an unbelievably poor taste in landscaping. Less is better in this case. My hawk eyes revealed much more. Hidden amongst the ugly plantations and eye straining amounts of evergreen shrubs I found what looked like Deadly Nightshade (Atropa belladonna), Woody Nightshade (Solamum dulcamara), Monkshood (Aconite) and if my memory serves me correct…Hemlock (Concium maculatum). There are massive amounts of lore floating around the interweb about the uses of these plants and most of it looks like pure nonsense. Take it from an expert (me), Nightshade is not used to conjure up a love spell. In fact, lore of the past associated this plant as being the devils plant and any homeowner growing the devils plant must surely be a witch. One house I won’t be passing by on Halloween..

p.s For your safety..... and mine.. street names were edited out.

Looks haunted…therefore it must be haunted.

2009-08-27T11:50:00.004-04:00

Since I recently moved into the area I have been hearing quite a few stories about a forest located nearby that is supposedly haunted. Like any young male resident in a new town I was intrigued at the idea of a haunted forest so close to home. Also, possibly because I had been watching back to back to back episodes of Supernatural, I was determined to find out exactly where this forest was located and to make a visit and photograph some of the demonic entities that most likely existed in this labyrinth of evil trees.

A tip from a long time resident pointed me to the intersection of Salem Rd & Rossland Rd and that from there the haunted forest can be seen on the north east side of the intersection. At first glance, the haunted forest looked more like a gathering of trees as opposed to a forest. I decided I needed to fully investigate the location to determine it’s hauntedness. So I decided to come back the following night after work with my digicam and some homemade religion-free holy water….for protection of course.

My plans changed that night. I had decided to drive by the forest on my way home from work. When I got there...a thick mist was building...the same mist you usually see in movies right before something bad happens to one of the characters. The following pics were taken that evening at around sunset. After studying those pics I came to the conclusion there was no way in hell that I was going to walk into that forest at night. From the pics alone I can clearly tell that it looks like a haunted forest, therefore it must be haunted.