Cognac and Magic

I will keep this brief because I am having too much fun playing around with my new HTC Magic...plus I still have a bit of a headache from last night. I managed to get my hands on a bottle of Alize. I am not much of a drinker to begin with but I figured this booze, which is a mixture of Cognac and Passion-sissy fruit, must be pretty good considering Tupac raps about it in a couple of his tracks. I had asked my good pal Liquor-pig for a brief review of Alize and he responded… “Alize is teenage panty remover. In other words, something teenage guys buy for girls so they can get them drunk and take advantage of them. Lemon gin had a similar reputation when I was in high school.” Thanks Liquor-pig. 

Back to the hardware. This thing is pretty sweet. The most impressive aspect of this phone is the browser. Almost as easy to browse as being on a desktop which is leaps and bounds better than my older HTC S621. This now makes blogging on the go a reality.

Anyways, pics below of the new hardware and booze...oh and check out the camera quality. I snapped a few pics of Kermit as he was sun bathing in my "herbal" garden out in front of my house. Stay cool peeps!

A little about me

Over the past week I have received an obnoxious amount of email from my rather large fan base asking to know more about me and how they can achieve the level of greatness that I have achieved in my field. Well it is no easy task. It takes many days of hard work coupled with intense training to attain a skill level even remotely close to my expertise. I have compiled a brief list of some of the most common questions and have answered them for all of your inquisitive minds. Read on.

Q: What do you actually blog about? Karen, Scarborough
Isn’t it obvious, I blog about anything strange that happens in Ajax. Recently though I have found myself blogging about strange things in other municipalities. So I guess it doesn’t have to be region-specific. Rule of thumb, if it is strange, weird, paranormal or related then it shall be blogged.

Q: The haunted forest and the witch house and are examples of you putting your life in danger. Why do it? Anisha, Ajax
To bring you, the readers, the facts! The 2nd best weapon against the dark forces that may exist is knowledge. To know is to be aware. To be aware is to know when to run.

Q: My son went to school today and was asked to write an essay about what he wants to be when he grows up. He wrote he wants to be like “The Operator”. Any tips for an aspiring young mind? Victor, New Zealand
Charles Caleb Colton (1780-1832) once wrote "Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery". The Operator writes, “Imitate me… and I will slap you with a lawsuit so hard and fast your mamma will feel it…even when she is on vacation… in a different continent... .in a different time zone!”

Q: In order to prepare yourself to fight the evil, what is your training regiment? Kuznetsov, Mother Russia
I like to think of myself as a well maintained vehicle. Therefore I undergo regular tune ups and oil changes. But seriously, I am more like a ninja and follow a version of the Chuck Norris training regime. I can’t give away all my secrets but breaking it down, my training regiment includes;

• several hours a day clicking my mouse rigorously in order to keep my computer skills swift and deadly.
• 2 hour strenuous physical workouts per day (3 times per week).
• I dedicate 1 hour per night watching video and footage about the next subject of my blog. You need to be prepared.
• And before bed every night I reread all the lore on the entire internet about every evil that exists. That’s right, the entire internet!

Manly Bike for Sale

Sent in by a reader. This was on Craigslist a little while back....

"Manly Bike for Sale
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: 2009-09-01, 05:18PM EST
Bike for sale

What kind of bike? I don't know, I'm not a bike scientist. What I am though is a manly guy looking to sell his bike. This bike is made out of metal and kick a$$ spokes. The back reflector was taken off, but if you think that deters me from riding at night, you're way wrong. I practiced ninja training in Japan's mount Fuji for 5 years and the first rule they teach about ninja biking is that back reflectors let the enemy know where you are. Not having a rear reflector is like saying "FOCK YOU CAR, JUST TRY AND FIND ME".

The bike says Giant on the side because it's referring to my junk, but rest a$$ured even if you have tiny junk that Giant advertisement is going to remain right where it is. I bought this bike for 300 dollars from a retired mercenary that fought in both World War 1 and World War 2 and had his right arm bitten off by a shark in the Phillipines while stationed there as a shark handler. When he sold it to me I had to arm wrestle him for the honor to buy it. I broke his arm in 7 places when I did. He was so impressed with me he offered me to be his son but I thought that was sissy sh1t so I said no way.

The bike has some rusted screws, but that just shows how much of a bad a$$ you are. Everyone knows rusted screws on a bike means that you probably drove it underwater and that's bad a$$ in itself. Those screws can be replaced with shiny new ones, but if you're going to go to that trouble why not just punch yourself in the balls since you're probably a d1ckless lizard who doesn't like to look intimidating.

The bike is for men because the seat is flat or some sh1t and not shaped like a dildo. If you like flat seated bikes you're going to love this thing because it doesn't try to penetrate your a$$ or anything.

I've topped out at 75 miles per hour on this uphill but if you're just a regular man you'll probably top it out at 10 miles per hour. This thing is listed as a street bike which is man-code for bike tank. The bike has 7 speeds in total:

Gear 1 - Sissy Gear
Gear 2 - Less Sissy Gear
Gear 3 - Least Sissy Gear
Gear 4 - Boy Gear
Gear 5 - Pre-teen Boy Gear
Gear 6 - Manly Gear
Gear 7 - Big Muscles Gear

I only like gear 6 and 7 to be honest.

Additionally, this tool of all immense men comes with a gigantic lock to keep it secure. The lock is the size of a bull's testicles and tells people you don't fock around with locking up your bike tank. It tells would-be-thieves "Hey as$$hole, touch this bike and I'll appear from the bushes ready to club you with a two-by-four".

Bike is for $150 OBO (and don't give me no panzy prices) "

Monster in the closet and a haunted house - Fan mail.

You know the drill... you ask the questions and I answer them.

"Weird things have happened off and on the past 3 years we've lived in our house. How can we tell, for sure, if our place is haunted? It felt like there was a male spirit present at times, not a good one but maybe wanting to scare us? My daughter is constantly scared and we are all having similar nightmares among other things (flickering lights, noises sudden drafts of wind even when all the windows are closed.  Angie"

Angie, what we have here is a classic level 1 haunting. This shouldn’t be too difficult to resolve. Firstly, is your ghost a malicious spirit? If not, sit back and enjoy the show. Ghosts are GREAT conversation pieces, especially when they act up in front of guests. The flickering lights, the noises you hear….really… these are all signs the spirit merely wants to play.
If you really want to rid yourself of this pesky paranormal bug then try some religion free holy water (RFHW). Sprinkle RFHW around various areas of the house while chanting “The Spirit of Christ compels you!” It works in exorcisms in all the movies, so there is no reason it should not work in your case.

"My 8 year old son won’t sleep in his own room at night. He thinks there is a monster in his closest. What can I do to help him get over his fear?  Mark"

Mark, why would you want your son to get over this fear? Newsflash, closet monsters are real! And your son better be afraid of them. They are nasty suckers and will not hesitate to take a bite out of your boy when he sleeps at night (they like children’s feet). Two things comes to mind right away from your question.   

1.) Your son is a sissy! Let’s be realistic. Your son is 8 years old and is afraid of monsters? When I was 8 years old I couldn’t wait to come home from school to get up to my room and get to my closet so I could rip my clothes off and lay some smack down on that son bitch... in the buff…to show him who really was the boss. Hell, the monster under my bed was afraid after it witnessed me savagely beat the snot out of the closet monster. Tell your son to man up and stop being such a wuss. Try different methods to encourage him. His next birthday, purchase him a hunting rifle. If that doesn’t work, then chances are your son is beyond my help and will, sadly, require professional help.

2.) You are a bad father! If your son is telling you there is a monster in his closet then why the hell are you wasting your time writing me about it when you should be preparing your son to do combat with this beast? Be realistic with your son. Don’t further his anxiety by lying to him and telling him these things don’t exist. You owe it to him as a father to prepare him for the real world. The tooth fairy is a fake, Santa Clause is really a pagan God and monsters in the closet really do exist! You might as well give up your son for adoption cuz you’re doing an admirable job.
 

I'm sick :(

I have been pretty sick the last week hence the lack of posts. As per my family doctor, what I originally thought was a common cold turned out to be a pretty bad throat infection. I still think he is an idiot. Seriously, since when is Tylenol the magic cure for every ailment? Nonetheless, how I got this throat infection still remains a mystery.

Even with the terrible throat pain, swollen glands, the coughing, fevers and night sweats, one good thing came out of all of this....the medication. You'd be surprised what a good dose of some quality antibiotics coupled with Eucalyptus oil, Vicks, Buckley’s and repeated shots of NeoCitran will do to you.

Anyways, here is a brief synopsis of some strange occurrences and possible posts to come…

*My toaster has been acting up, possible haunting.

*There is a crack head on my street, he is strange.

*And recently, lights in my house started flickering…briefly.

The Internet has spoken!

Some fan mail from my loyal follower(s)...

"Don't forget the graveyard on Salem Rd. just south of Hwy #7. It was rumoured to be haunted since before I was in high school. Hell, all the kids in Ajax/Whitby/Shwa still believe it is haunted. As such, a lot of teens go there to drink, smoke dope and taunt the evil, and some of the girls wake up missing their clothing. Strange."

Coincidence really as I drove past that graveyard this past Thursday…albeit was a lot less spookier in the day. If I learned one thing from season 2 of Supernatural, it is….when going to a graveyard…go during the day if you want to avoid it's residents. Definitely strange.

"Oh yeah, the Mount Zion schoolhouse further north on Salem north of 9th Concession. Supposedly haunted by little kids, demons, demonic kids or some other form of ghastly horror. Check it out at midnight. Alone. At midnight on Halloween. Don't forget an offering for the Dark Gods, and beware the old guy with the lantern. He lurks."

Schoolhouses are one of the more difficult places to purify due to the vast history one may contain. When you have hundreds of kids attending the school over the years it becomes very hard to pinpoint the source of the alleged haunting. Can you imagine how much religion free holy water would be required to cleanse a schoolhouse? Luckily I got a tip from a reader. Flame purifies EVERYTHING.

"There is a Shwambie infestation in Oshawa. I think you may need to get to the bottom of that. Reports seem to indicate they were first sighted amongst the south shwa crackhouses and Crack Time Donuts on King. However, the plague is everywhere now. It must be a sign of the impending Apocalypse."

This one is difficult to assess online. At first glance, Shwambies may seem like a problem that has to be dealt with in a swift and painful manner, but in reality this really isn't that strange. Given the location, the current state of economic affairs and possibly the impending Apocalypse... I really am not that surprised. Readers beware, holy water, silver bullets and crosses are utterly useless against a level 4 and up Shwambie. This is one I will need to research. In the meantime, try flame.

Shw'ondo for rent...available now.

The ad reads "If you're looking for a wonderful room to rent with a beautiful view, we have what you have been searching for. You can walk to the athletic club, dining and shopping. You're close to the local mall and park. Some of the extras, a large living room, assigned parking, secured mailboxes, and lots of closet space." And the kicker...."The view out your front window is beautiful anytime of the year"

This gem was sent in by a local resident of the 'Shwa who was lucky enough to pass by the "condo" while the owner was out. Don't think the owner was too far though...his shopping cart was still parked in the "assigned parking" space.
 

Cricket Invasion?

Have any of you noticed an increase in crickets this year? These damned things are everywhere. I went to take the garbage out this morning and one jumped at my face. Since when are these suckers so aggressive?? I duno…seems like a sign or something…like in that movie... with the locusts. I can't recall the name, but it is either biblical plague material or some sort of sorcery….preferably the later. 

No pictures this time...those things creep me out.

House with overdone garden and other 'plants'…owner must be a witch

It’s cold and flu season and the wife was feeling a bit under the weather. Today I was going to be a good husband and go to our local Tim Hortons to pick her up some tea. For my American and Latin readers Tim Hortons is our local coffee shop franchise. The Tims is in a new plaza that was just freshly built and is literally a 5 minute walk from my house. Driving around the corner and down the street I noticed something strange…blog worthy strange. One of the houses on the street had an excessive amount of greenery planted. To the average untrained eye this would simply look like a house with an owner who had an unbelievably poor taste in landscaping. Less is better in this case. My hawk eyes revealed much more. Hidden amongst the ugly plantations and eye straining amounts of evergreen shrubs I found what looked like Deadly Nightshade (Atropa belladonna), Woody Nightshade (Solamum dulcamara), Monkshood (Aconite) and if my memory serves me correct…Hemlock (Concium maculatum). There are massive amounts of lore floating around the interweb about the uses of these plants and most of it looks like pure nonsense. Take it from an expert (me), Nightshade is not used to conjure up a love spell. In fact, lore of the past associated this plant as being the devils plant and any homeowner growing the devils plant must surely be a witch. One house I won’t be passing by on Halloween..

p.s For your safety..... and mine.. street names were edited out.

Looks haunted…therefore it must be haunted.

Since I recently moved into the area I have been hearing quite a few stories about a forest located nearby that is supposedly haunted. Like any young male resident in a new town I was intrigued at the idea of a haunted forest so close to home. Also, possibly because I had been watching back to back to back episodes of Supernatural, I was determined to find out exactly where this forest was located and to make a visit and photograph some of the demonic entities that most likely existed in this labyrinth of evil trees.

A tip from a long time resident pointed me to the intersection of Salem Rd & Rossland Rd and that from there the haunted forest can be seen on the north east side of the intersection. At first glance, the haunted forest looked more like a gathering of trees as opposed to a forest. I decided I needed to fully investigate the location to determine it’s hauntedness. So I decided to come back the following night after work with my digicam and some homemade religion-free holy water….for protection of course.

My plans changed that night. I had decided to drive by the forest on my way home from work. When I got there...a thick mist was building...the same mist you usually see in movies right before something bad happens to one of the characters. The following pics were taken that evening at around sunset. After studying those pics I came to the conclusion there was no way in hell that I was going to walk into that forest at night. From the pics alone I can clearly tell that it looks like a haunted forest, therefore it must be haunted.