Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Super Apple sauce!

What do you get when you cram 72 apples in to an apparatus that harnesses the powers of heat and water to literally liquefy the fruit?? Super Apple Sauce!!

Packed with 72 times more magnesium, copper, calcium, iron, potassium and phosphorus. Saturated with 72 times more Vitamin A, Vitamin K, Thiamin, Riboflavin, and Vitamin B6!! And coupled with the chemical properties of the infusion process ...resulting in an effective 72% increase in it's organic properties, which translates into an actual 213% more nutrient value to the human body!! That is some super apples!!

Thursday, September 24, 2009

The true origins of Halloween.

I know it’s still early but I need to get this out there before that night arrives. Halloween time is notorious for strange and weird activity and I need to be prepared to devote my full attention to these matters. There is just a little over a month to go before Satan’s birthday …err… Halloween arrives. Every child looks forward to October 31st each year. It’s the one time of the year when both little boys and girls get a chance to throw on their costumes and have them on all night long. You’ll see little vampires, fairies, cheeky werewolves, etc. etc. all bidding for the greatest haul of chocolates, sweets and candies. Interesting indeed.

However, what many of the unsuspecting citizens don’t know is… Halloween has a much deeper, and in many ways, darker history that has given birth to one of the most celebrated evil holidays in the world. The true history of Halloween is the type of history that your parents don’t tell you.

While it would seem to be a holiday that promoted a form of lunacy, it had a much deeper and serious meaning. Think of it this way. If Christmas is “reported” to be Jesus’ birthday then who do you think was born on Halloween? The original celebrations of Halloween were very special days and seemed to have a very mystical and magical quality about them. In fact, it was this quality that was used by evil druidic priests of the Celts to their best advantage. These were the days in which to contact demons, ghouls and the spirits of the ancestors on the 'other side' of the veil between the worlds.

Looking through some of my ancient texts, it is noted Halloween’s origins go all the way back to ancient times with the Celtic festival of Samhain (pronounced SOW-ain). This was actually the Celts version of anti-Christmas celebrations honouring the end of summer and harvest time and marking the beginning period of the cold of winter, darkness, and death… by means of sacrifice and spirit worship…lots and lots of spirit worship. The Celts were an evil bunch as portrayed by many recent full feature films (Braveheart & Highlander come to mind). They believed that this end of the year period marked the time in which the barrier between the living and the dead became thin. In reality, among other true meanings , October 31st marks the time when the spirits would come back from the dead and create havoc by damaging the crops with frost and causing a multitude of other troubles.

This leads me to another important fact. You might wonder why people dress up on Halloween. This is another a tradition that started in early England where citizens, knowing that Halloween was a time for the spirits of their ancestors to come back to haunt and eat them, would dress up in masks and costumes to keep the spirits from recognizing them. The idea was if you dress up like a monster, the real monsters wouldn’t be able to tell you were really just a… “bag of meat”… if you will.

The fact of the matter is the holiday that we know as Halloween today bares little resemblance to its origins. First, to give an understanding to the reader of these old "pagan" holidays, one must understand the meaning of some of the old language and culture of the times. For one, the term 'pagan' in Christian mythology , roughly translates to "devil worshipper”. It was not until Christianity came to the Isles that the Christian devil ever became associated with Halloween. There was no concept of a devil or Satan in the Earth-based religions, even though there were many evil aspects associated with Samhain, or as it is now called, Halloween. This seems to be the only good thing that has ever come out of religion. With Satan fully identified as the “Santa” of Halloween, Christian leaders sought a means to end this worship while at the same time fearing the retributions from the “other side”.

That is where the Roman church came into play. Like all good churches the Roman church spoiled the fun and soon enacted a holiday to detour the worship of demons, the dead and Satan and so proclaimed November 1st as All Saint’s Day to honour the saints and martyrs of the church. This day was also known as All Hallows Eve. Over time and generations past, Halloween and All Hallows Eve were intertwined and most basic and main concepts of each were forgotten. However, it is still true to this day that there remain others out there that celebrate Halloween for what it truly is.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Cognac and Magic

I will keep this brief because I am having too much fun playing around with my new HTC Magic...plus I still have a bit of a headache from last night. I managed to get my hands on a bottle of Alize. I am not much of a drinker to begin with but I figured this booze, which is a mixture of Cognac and Passion-sissy fruit, must be pretty good considering Tupac raps about it in a couple of his tracks. I had asked my good pal Liquor-pig for a brief review of Alize and he responded… “Alize is teenage panty remover. In other words, something teenage guys buy for girls so they can get them drunk and take advantage of them. Lemon gin had a similar reputation when I was in high school.” Thanks Liquor-pig. 

Back to the hardware. This thing is pretty sweet. The most impressive aspect of this phone is the browser. Almost as easy to browse as being on a desktop which is leaps and bounds better than my older HTC S621. This now makes blogging on the go a reality.

Anyways, pics below of the new hardware and booze...oh and check out the camera quality. I snapped a few pics of Kermit as he was sun bathing in my "herbal" garden out in front of my house. Stay cool peeps!

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

A little about me

Over the past week I have received an obnoxious amount of email from my rather large fan base asking to know more about me and how they can achieve the level of greatness that I have achieved in my field. Well it is no easy task. It takes many days of hard work coupled with intense training to attain a skill level even remotely close to my expertise. I have compiled a brief list of some of the most common questions and have answered them for all of your inquisitive minds. Read on.

Q: What do you actually blog about? Karen, Scarborough
Isn’t it obvious, I blog about anything strange that happens in Ajax. Recently though I have found myself blogging about strange things in other municipalities. So I guess it doesn’t have to be region-specific. Rule of thumb, if it is strange, weird, paranormal or related then it shall be blogged.

Q: The haunted forest and the witch house and are examples of you putting your life in danger. Why do it? Anisha, Ajax
To bring you, the readers, the facts! The 2nd best weapon against the dark forces that may exist is knowledge. To know is to be aware. To be aware is to know when to run.

Q: My son went to school today and was asked to write an essay about what he wants to be when he grows up. He wrote he wants to be like “The Operator”. Any tips for an aspiring young mind? Victor, New Zealand
Charles Caleb Colton (1780-1832) once wrote "Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery". The Operator writes, “Imitate me… and I will slap you with a lawsuit so hard and fast your mamma will feel it…even when she is on vacation… in a different continent... .in a different time zone!”

Q: In order to prepare yourself to fight the evil, what is your training regiment? Kuznetsov, Mother Russia
I like to think of myself as a well maintained vehicle. Therefore I undergo regular tune ups and oil changes. But seriously, I am more like a ninja and follow a version of the Chuck Norris training regime. I can’t give away all my secrets but breaking it down, my training regiment includes;
  • several hours a day clicking my mouse rigorously in order to keep my computer skills swift and deadly.
  • 2 hour strenuous physical workouts per day (3 times per week).
  • I dedicate 1 hour per night watching video and footage about the next subject of my blog. You need to be prepared.
  • And before bed every night I reread all the lore on the entire internet about every evil that exists. That’s right, the entire internet!

Monday, September 14, 2009

Manly Bike for Sale

Sent in by a reader. This was on Craigslist a little while back....

"Manly Bike for Sale
Date: 2009-09-01, 05:18PM EST
Bike for sale

What kind of bike? I don't know, I'm not a bike scientist. What I am though is a manly guy looking to sell his bike. This bike is made out of metal and kick a$$ spokes. The back reflector was taken off, but if you think that deters me from riding at night, you're way wrong. I practiced ninja training in Japan's mount Fuji for 5 years and the first rule they teach about ninja biking is that back reflectors let the enemy know where you are. Not having a rear reflector is like saying "FOCK YOU CAR, JUST TRY AND FIND ME".

The bike says Giant on the side because it's referring to my junk, but rest a$$ured even if you have tiny junk that Giant advertisement is going to remain right where it is. I bought this bike for 300 dollars from a retired mercenary that fought in both World War 1 and World War 2 and had his right arm bitten off by a shark in the Phillipines while stationed there as a shark handler. When he sold it to me I had to arm wrestle him for the honor to buy it. I broke his arm in 7 places when I did. He was so impressed with me he offered me to be his son but I thought that was sissy sh1t so I said no way.

The bike has some rusted screws, but that just shows how much of a bad a$$ you are. Everyone knows rusted screws on a bike means that you probably drove it underwater and that's bad a$$ in itself. Those screws can be replaced with shiny new ones, but if you're going to go to that trouble why not just punch yourself in the balls since you're probably a d1ckless lizard who doesn't like to look intimidating.

The bike is for men because the seat is flat or some sh1t and not shaped like a dildo. If you like flat seated bikes you're going to love this thing because it doesn't try to penetrate your a$$ or anything.

I've topped out at 75 miles per hour on this uphill but if you're just a regular man you'll probably top it out at 10 miles per hour. This thing is listed as a street bike which is man-code for bike tank. The bike has 7 speeds in total:

Gear 1 - Sissy Gear
Gear 2 - Less Sissy Gear
Gear 3 - Least Sissy Gear
Gear 4 - Boy Gear
Gear 5 - Pre-teen Boy Gear
Gear 6 - Manly Gear
Gear 7 - Big Muscles Gear

I only like gear 6 and 7 to be honest.

Additionally, this tool of all immense men comes with a gigantic lock to keep it secure. The lock is the size of a bull's testicles and tells people you don't fock around with locking up your bike tank. It tells would-be-thieves "Hey as$$hole, touch this bike and I'll appear from the bushes ready to club you with a two-by-four".

Bike is for $150 OBO (and don't give me no panzy prices) "

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Monster in the closet and a haunted house - Fan mail.

You know the drill... you ask the questions and I answer them.

"Weird things have happened off and on the past 3 years we've lived in our house. How can we tell, for sure, if our place is haunted? It felt like there was a male spirit present at times, not a good one but maybe wanting to scare us? My daughter is constantly scared and we are all having similar nightmares among other things (flickering lights, noises sudden drafts of wind even when all the windows are closed.  Angie"

Angie, what we have here is a classic level 1 haunting. This shouldn’t be too difficult to resolve. Firstly, is your ghost a malicious spirit? If not, sit back and enjoy the show. Ghosts are GREAT conversation pieces, especially when they act up in front of guests. The flickering lights, the noises you hear….really… these are all signs the spirit merely wants to play.
If you really want to rid yourself of this pesky paranormal bug then try some religion free holy water (RFHW). Sprinkle RFHW around various areas of the house while chanting “The Spirit of Christ compels you!” It works in exorcisms in all the movies, so there is no reason it should not work in your case.

"My 8 year old son won’t sleep in his own room at night. He thinks there is a monster in his closest. What can I do to help him get over his fear?  Mark"

Mark, why would you want your son to get over this fear? Newsflash, closet monsters are real! And your son better be afraid of them. They are nasty suckers and will not hesitate to take a bite out of your boy when he sleeps at night (they like children’s feet). Two things comes to mind right away from your question.   

1.) Your son is a sissy! Let’s be realistic. Your son is 8 years old and is afraid of monsters? When I was 8 years old I couldn’t wait to come home from school to get up to my room and get to my closet so I could rip my clothes off and lay some smack down on that son bitch... in the buff…to show him who really was the boss. Hell, the monster under my bed was afraid after it witnessed me savagely beat the snot out of the closet monster. Tell your son to man up and stop being such a wuss. Try different methods to encourage him. His next birthday, purchase him a hunting rifle. If that doesn’t work, then chances are your son is beyond my help and will, sadly, require professional help.

2.) You are a bad father! If your son is telling you there is a monster in his closet then why the hell are you wasting your time writing me about it when you should be preparing your son to do combat with this beast? Be realistic with your son. Don’t further his anxiety by lying to him and telling him these things don’t exist. You owe it to him as a father to prepare him for the real world. The tooth fairy is a fake, Santa Clause is really a pagan God and monsters in the closet really do exist! You might as well give up your son for adoption cuz you’re doing an admirable job.

I'm sick :(

I have been pretty sick the last week hence the lack of posts. As per my family doctor, what I originally thought was a common cold turned out to be a pretty bad throat infection. I still think he is an idiot. Seriously, since when is Tylenol the magic cure for every ailment? Nonetheless, how I got this throat infection still remains a mystery.

Even with the terrible throat pain, swollen glands, the coughing, fevers and night sweats, one good thing came out of all of this....the medication. You'd be surprised what a good dose of some quality antibiotics coupled with Eucalyptus oil, Vicks, Buckley’s and repeated shots of NeoCitran will do to you.

Anyways, here is a brief synopsis of some strange occurrences and possible posts to come…

*My toaster has been acting up, possible haunting.

*There is a crack head on my street, he is strange.

*And recently, lights in my house started flickering…briefly.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

The Internet has spoken!

Some fan mail from my loyal follower(s)...

"Don't forget the graveyard on Salem Rd. just south of Hwy #7. It was rumoured to be haunted since before I was in high school. Hell, all the kids in Ajax/Whitby/Shwa still believe it is haunted. As such, a lot of teens go there to drink, smoke dope and taunt the evil, and some of the girls wake up missing their clothing. Strange."

Coincidence really as I drove past that graveyard this past Thursday…albeit was a lot less spookier in the day. If I learned one thing from season 2 of Supernatural, it is….when going to a graveyard…go during the day if you want to avoid it's residents. Definitely strange.

"Oh yeah, the Mount Zion schoolhouse further north on Salem north of 9th Concession. Supposedly haunted by little kids, demons, demonic kids or some other form of ghastly horror. Check it out at midnight. Alone. At midnight on Halloween. Don't forget an offering for the Dark Gods, and beware the old guy with the lantern. He lurks."

Schoolhouses are one of the more difficult places to purify due to the vast history one may contain. When you have hundreds of kids attending the school over the years it becomes very hard to pinpoint the source of the alleged haunting. Can you imagine how much religion free holy water would be required to cleanse a schoolhouse? Luckily I got a tip from a reader. Flame purifies EVERYTHING.

"There is a Shwambie infestation in Oshawa. I think you may need to get to the bottom of that. Reports seem to indicate they were first sighted amongst the south shwa crackhouses and Crack Time Donuts on King. However, the plague is everywhere now. It must be a sign of the impending Apocalypse."

This one is difficult to assess online. At first glance, Shwambies may seem like a problem that has to be dealt with in a swift and painful manner, but in reality this really isn't that strange. Given the location, the current state of economic affairs and possibly the impending Apocalypse... I really am not that surprised. Readers beware, holy water, silver bullets and crosses are utterly useless against a level 4 and up Shwambie. This is one I will need to research. In the meantime, try flame.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Shw'ondo for rent...available now.

The ad reads "If you're looking for a wonderful room to rent with a beautiful view, we have what you have been searching for. You can walk to the athletic club, dining and shopping. You're close to the local mall and park. Some of the extras, a large living room, assigned parking, secured mailboxes, and lots of closet space." And the kicker...."The view out your front window is beautiful anytime of the year"

This gem was sent in by a local resident of the 'Shwa who was lucky enough to pass by the "condo" while the owner was out. Don't think the owner was too far though...his shopping cart was still parked in the "assigned parking" space.