Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Monster in the closet and a haunted house - Fan mail.

You know the drill... you ask the questions and I answer them.

"Weird things have happened off and on the past 3 years we've lived in our house. How can we tell, for sure, if our place is haunted? It felt like there was a male spirit present at times, not a good one but maybe wanting to scare us? My daughter is constantly scared and we are all having similar nightmares among other things (flickering lights, noises sudden drafts of wind even when all the windows are closed.  Angie"

Angie, what we have here is a classic level 1 haunting. This shouldn’t be too difficult to resolve. Firstly, is your ghost a malicious spirit? If not, sit back and enjoy the show. Ghosts are GREAT conversation pieces, especially when they act up in front of guests. The flickering lights, the noises you hear….really… these are all signs the spirit merely wants to play.
If you really want to rid yourself of this pesky paranormal bug then try some religion free holy water (RFHW). Sprinkle RFHW around various areas of the house while chanting “The Spirit of Christ compels you!” It works in exorcisms in all the movies, so there is no reason it should not work in your case.

"My 8 year old son won’t sleep in his own room at night. He thinks there is a monster in his closest. What can I do to help him get over his fear?  Mark"

Mark, why would you want your son to get over this fear? Newsflash, closet monsters are real! And your son better be afraid of them. They are nasty suckers and will not hesitate to take a bite out of your boy when he sleeps at night (they like children’s feet). Two things comes to mind right away from your question.   

1.) Your son is a sissy! Let’s be realistic. Your son is 8 years old and is afraid of monsters? When I was 8 years old I couldn’t wait to come home from school to get up to my room and get to my closet so I could rip my clothes off and lay some smack down on that son bitch... in the buff…to show him who really was the boss. Hell, the monster under my bed was afraid after it witnessed me savagely beat the snot out of the closet monster. Tell your son to man up and stop being such a wuss. Try different methods to encourage him. His next birthday, purchase him a hunting rifle. If that doesn’t work, then chances are your son is beyond my help and will, sadly, require professional help.

2.) You are a bad father! If your son is telling you there is a monster in his closet then why the hell are you wasting your time writing me about it when you should be preparing your son to do combat with this beast? Be realistic with your son. Don’t further his anxiety by lying to him and telling him these things don’t exist. You owe it to him as a father to prepare him for the real world. The tooth fairy is a fake, Santa Clause is really a pagan God and monsters in the closet really do exist! You might as well give up your son for adoption cuz you’re doing an admirable job.

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