Monday, September 14, 2009

Manly Bike for Sale

Sent in by a reader. This was on Craigslist a little while back....

"Manly Bike for Sale
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Date: 2009-09-01, 05:18PM EST
Bike for sale

What kind of bike? I don't know, I'm not a bike scientist. What I am though is a manly guy looking to sell his bike. This bike is made out of metal and kick a$$ spokes. The back reflector was taken off, but if you think that deters me from riding at night, you're way wrong. I practiced ninja training in Japan's mount Fuji for 5 years and the first rule they teach about ninja biking is that back reflectors let the enemy know where you are. Not having a rear reflector is like saying "FOCK YOU CAR, JUST TRY AND FIND ME".

The bike says Giant on the side because it's referring to my junk, but rest a$$ured even if you have tiny junk that Giant advertisement is going to remain right where it is. I bought this bike for 300 dollars from a retired mercenary that fought in both World War 1 and World War 2 and had his right arm bitten off by a shark in the Phillipines while stationed there as a shark handler. When he sold it to me I had to arm wrestle him for the honor to buy it. I broke his arm in 7 places when I did. He was so impressed with me he offered me to be his son but I thought that was sissy sh1t so I said no way.

The bike has some rusted screws, but that just shows how much of a bad a$$ you are. Everyone knows rusted screws on a bike means that you probably drove it underwater and that's bad a$$ in itself. Those screws can be replaced with shiny new ones, but if you're going to go to that trouble why not just punch yourself in the balls since you're probably a d1ckless lizard who doesn't like to look intimidating.

The bike is for men because the seat is flat or some sh1t and not shaped like a dildo. If you like flat seated bikes you're going to love this thing because it doesn't try to penetrate your a$$ or anything.


I've topped out at 75 miles per hour on this uphill but if you're just a regular man you'll probably top it out at 10 miles per hour. This thing is listed as a street bike which is man-code for bike tank. The bike has 7 speeds in total:

Gear 1 - Sissy Gear
Gear 2 - Less Sissy Gear
Gear 3 - Least Sissy Gear
Gear 4 - Boy Gear
Gear 5 - Pre-teen Boy Gear
Gear 6 - Manly Gear
Gear 7 - Big Muscles Gear

I only like gear 6 and 7 to be honest.


Additionally, this tool of all immense men comes with a gigantic lock to keep it secure. The lock is the size of a bull's testicles and tells people you don't fock around with locking up your bike tank. It tells would-be-thieves "Hey as$$hole, touch this bike and I'll appear from the bushes ready to club you with a two-by-four".


Bike is for $150 OBO (and don't give me no panzy prices) "

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